For those who missed the XXX Olympiad, you’re in good company - so did I (mostly). I didn't entirely miss the Olympics because I did watch the opening ceremonies, women’s beach volleyball, and two seconds of a women’s gymnastics warm-up session. In case you’re wondering, the Olympics is a celebration of national good-will and equality, where countries compete against each other to dominate the games and be better than everyone else. In this utopian spirit of all-inclusiveness, every nation in the world is represented (except the ones that nobody likes). All the best athletes from each of these nations come from the United States, and meet in the country that could afford to host the games. And now to summarize the results most people are talking about.
During the opening ceremonies, England’s seniors swept the medals. Paul McCartney took gold for most enthusiastic seventy-year-old, and Queen Elizabeth II took silver and bronze for most enthusiastic octogenarian, despite that she appeared to be suffering from a nasty stomach ache throughout the entire event.
Women’s beach volleyball took gold for best Olympic sport. As usual, nobody had to be distracted by peripheral features of the game such as rules, score, and team rankings, because we all knew Misty and Kerri would win. After taking gold, the US volleyball duo continued their Olympic tradition of retiring from the sport; never to play together again (unless there’s a 2016 summer games). For those who may be wondering, women’s beach volleyball is a game invented by Mitt Romney, during his tenure as King of the Olympics, as part of his plan to make the Olympics more profitable.
In women’s gymnastics (clearly an overstatement), where high school-aged girls jump around on playground equipment now banned from public use, the USA won gold, and Russia lost with silver and bronze. The Olympic committee tried to help the Russians feel better by assuring them the silver and bronze medals were made with just as much love, care, and equality (and besides, the gold medal is mostly silver anyway). But no one fell for that nonsense, because everybody knows there’s only one Olympic medal worth competing for – gold.
Of course there were lots of other athletes, and every sport you can imagine, except dodge ball.
And that’s the summer Olympics, this year and every fourth year, starring Bob Costas.
In other news, Mitt Romney will lobby for inclusion of the merry-go-round as a gymnastics event, because even I would pay to see that.